Presented by The Blog from Another Dimension

George W. Bush's Redacted Bill of Rights

To the American people:

In these dangerous times, your safety must be protected. To that end, it is necessary in this time of crisis to do everything within the power of my office to ensure the security of these United States. As the Office of the President has precedence (heh heh heh) over the Constitution of the United States, I have signed a secret finding that allows me to classify whatever rights and liberties I see fit in order to carry out my duties. You see, the terrorists hate us for our freedoms, and if they know about all of them, then they can attack and destroy them. So we have to make 'em secret from y'all, otherwise the terrorists will find 'em. But don't worry--this is being done to keep you safe! These rights will, of course, be restored to you immediately after I have determined that no terrorist remains alive and no terrorism is ever again possible.

So find below the new and improved Bill of Rights, with the dangerous ones I have needed to revoke redacted out. I retain the authority to classify any of the remaining rights you possess if any of them pose a further threat to your safety.

Once again, this is for your own good. If you protest, you can and will be

detected by our warrantless eavesdropping  and immediately detained without
charges, after which you will be  stripped of your citizenship, declared    
an enemy combatant, sent to a country where torture is legal or where we have
set up a secret prison where you will be stripped naked, put in a "stress
position," have dogs set upon you, be put into a human pyramid with other
naked detainees of your same gender, and have your genitals pointed at
by a smiling soldier of the opposite sex, with or without electrodes.

And no fair peeking at the redactions by selecting the text.

Yours sincerely,

George W. Bush
President of the United States of America

The Bill of Rights
Portions already violated by the Bush Administration redacted
Amendment I
Congress shall make no law  respecting an establishment of religion, or 
prohibiting the free exercise [of religion];  or abridging the freedom of speech,
or of the press;  or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to
petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
Amendment II
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
Amendment III
No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and
effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated,
and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or
affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the
persons or things to be seized.
Amendment V
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime,
unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury,  except in cases
arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual
service in time of War or public danger;  nor shall any person be subject
for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb;  nor shall
be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be
deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law;  nor
shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
Amendment VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall  enjoy the right to a speedy
and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the
crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously
ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the
accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have
compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the
Assistance of Counsel for his defence.
Amendment VII
In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty
dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried
by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States,
than according to the rules of the common law.
Amendment VIII
Excessive bail shall not be required,  nor  excessive fines imposed,  nor  cruel
and unusual punishments inflicted.
Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be
construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
Amendment X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
or to the people.

You're welcome. Enjoy your safety!